Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Jay's Post--My Funny Felon Bride

Jay here. I'm filling in for Pamela while she's getting hyperbaric oxygen treatments.

Last week was our 12th anniversary. I did better this year, but, then again, I had nowhere to go but up (to read about that fiasco, click here). This year I sent her roses and chocolate-covered strawberries. 

Pamela (in shock): Honey! I can't believe you did this!

Me: I wanted to make up for all the times I didn't get you anything.

Pamela (narrowing her eyes): Does this have anything to do with the fact that now I'm writing a blog?

Me (ignoring her question and shoving a strawberry in her mouth): Here, baby. Aren't these good?

Pamela (with her mouth full): Dothemritabus.

Me: Sure. Whatever you said. I love you, too.

Pamela (distracted from her blog question by chocolate): You are so incredibly sweet!

Me (modestly): Yeah.

Pamela (squinching up her face): Great. After years of following your lead into marital complacency, now I have to come up with something to give you.

I grinned and assured her that she didn't need to get me anything. But a little later... 

Pamela:  Sweetie, at least I can give you an anniversary card.

Me: Just a minute. I need to get your card.

Pamela: Okay.

Me (digging through piles of papers in the office): I can't find the card I got you!

Pamela: You can give it to me later.

Me: No, I want to find it. 

Pamela (holding out a card): Just read your card. You can give me my card whenever you find it.

Me (frustrated): I know it's here. I just had it!

Pamela (glancing at the card she was about to give me with a look of realization): Oh. Wait. Um, is this the card you're looking for?

Me: Are you saying that you stole the card that I bought you so you had a card to give to me?

I'm shaking my head but laughing. I'm not sure that's what Proverbs 31 was referring to when it says a virtuous wife resourceful, but Pamela would argue differently.

Verse of the day: "He who finds a wife finds a treasure and has favor from the Lord" (Proverbs 18:22). 

Follow-up from Pamela: There was a lot of stuff lying around the office. How was I supposed to remember who bought that particular card? Besides, if he bought it, then it's guaranteed that I'm giving him a card he would like. He should appreciate that. Especially since I proved a couple of posts ago (click here) that he's impossible to buy for. And if we're "one flesh," like it says in the Bible, then if he buys a card, it's the same as me buying the card. Right? That's simple, Biblical logic.

Follow-up from Jay: She stole my card. Then tried to give it to me for our anniversary. Enough said.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Baby, Light My Fire

The night before our anniversary a few years ago, Jay filled in for a captain at a fire station near our friend Cheryl's house, so he dropped me off before he left for work so I could spend the night at her house. Since his shift wouldn't end until 8 AM, I playfully told him, "I should prank call the fire department at midnight to get them to send your truck to this area so I'll get to see you the minute our anniversary starts." (I was kidding.)

Cheryl and I are both night owls, so we were watching a movie in the wee hours of the morning when we saw flashing lights pass the front window. We looked out to investigate. Her next door neighbor had put something flammable in his garbage bin before putting it by the curb for morning pick up. Somehow it ignited, and there was a flaming pile of plastic and garbage at the end of his driveway.

I recognized the gorgeous captain swinging off the fire truck, so I excitedly threw my fluffy, pink robe over my jammies and ran outside to see my husband. 

The crew knew what to do, so Jay left them and walked across the lawn to see me. As he approached the porch, I squealed, "It's after midnight; Happy Anniversary, honey!" I mean, what were the odds that I'd get to see him so soon?

He grinned, grabbed me in a big bear hug, and kissed me. It was cold, so he kept his arms wrapped snugly around me and rubbed my back as he murmured into my hair, "Happy Anniversary, baby!"

I glanced past his shoulder and saw his crew staring at us in utter shock. It was then that I realized that they didn't know anything about Jay. They thought their substitute captain just walked up to a random woman (wearing a robe, no less) at a fire scene and started making out with her!

The rookie dutifully held the hose over the flames, but his eyes were completely locked on us. His open-mouthed look of awe said, "I heard stuff like this happens, but I thought they were kidding. I've got to take that Captain's Test!"

Verse of the day: "(He) must be a man whose life is above reproach. He must be faithful to his wife. He must exercise self-control, live wisely, and have a good reputation" (I Timothy 3:2).

For another anniversary story, click here.
To read why Jay is terrified I will take "Come on, baby, light my fire" literally, click here. Oh, wait, there's another fire one here. Maybe now would be a good time to mention that I did not light the neighbor's trash bin on fire to see Jay as soon as our anniversary started.