Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I Don't Know Beans

I love my husband. I really do. But although they try, it's simply a fact that men don't know how to communicate. They throw out curious fragments of thought without the essential facts or context necessary for understanding. For example, Jay recently ended a story with, "It's not worth a hill of beans." And then left the room!

I, of course, called him back.

Me (gently, knowing that most men struggle to express themselves): Honey, without more detail I simply have no idea what you're talking about.

He: About what?

Me: Beans.

He (long pause): Huh?

Me (patiently): You just said, 'It's not worth a hill of beans.'

He: Yeah. And?

Me: And? Where do I start: Are you referring to a pile of beans or a hill with beans growing on it?

He: What?

Me (logically): There's no possible way for me to know the market value of the beans without knowing what kind they are: green beans, pinto beans, black beans, lima beans, or what? And their worth increases dramatically if they've been organically grown.

He (muttering--to his shoes, apparently): I have to stop using cliches around her.

Me: And what size is the hill? The size of a molehill? Or an anthill? Or 1,999 feet high?

He: As opposed to 2,000 feet high?

Me (impatiently): Of course, darling, because that would make it a mountain.

He (snickering): You would know that.

Me (earnestly): If it's worth a 1,999 foot high hill of Kopi Luwak coffee beans then it would have great value.
But if it's worth an anthill of navy beans, then that's less than a dollar.

He (shaking his head): You're lucky you're cute as a button.

Me (even more confused): A button? You're comparing me to a button? What does that mean?

He: I said cute.

The extent of my cuteness, apparently
 Me (cocking my head): Yeah, honey, I still don't get it. I've never heard someone say, 'Wow, that's a cute button. It looks just like my wife.' What does it mean? That I'm round but useful? Cute enough to hold your pants up, but you'd still cover me with a belt?

Communicating with the man is nearly impossible.

Verse of the day: "The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking" (Proverbs 15:28). Jay might want to try that.

For another story about our communication challenges, click here.


  1. Great to have you back! We've missed your quirky sense of humor and funny stories.

    1. And you, my friend, are also as cute as a button.

  2. So... It only takes a foot to make a mountain out of a (mole) hill...?
    Geoff S.

    1. It's surprisingly easy. If you have enough beans.