.

.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Just Manflu

I once made the mistake of commenting that a certain man seemed to think he was near death when he "only had a cold." A friend (the insightful Robin Peel) quickly corrected me. He said that men are "either well or are flattened by a particularly nasty man-flu." Man-flu, he gravely informed me, covered all male ailments, and the depths of its insidious suffering is incomprehensible to women.

Be that as it may, I learned a few things from years of observing men during their extremely rare bouts of illness.

When a woman is unwell, she forces herself to shower (after making breakfast for the family), lifts her gland-swollen arms to brush and style her hair, gargles, painstakingly applies make-up to hide her pallid complexion, dresses in clean clothes, matches her shoes to her outfit (just in case she sees someone she knows in the waiting room), and pastes on a brave smile. 

The doctor tells her that she looks great, probably has a cold, and to come back in a week if it doesn't get better.

If a man is sick enough to need medical attention, he crawls into whatever clothing he finds crumpled on the floor. He doesn't shower, shave, or brush his teeth. He limps into the doctor's office, groaning. If he bumps into someone he knows, he's gratified to hear, "You look horrible!" He's ushered into the examination room (ahead of all the well-groomed women), gently placed on the table with a soft pillow and heated blanket, and given a battery of tests and chest x-rays. 

To find out that he indeed only has a cold. Ahem, I mean, "the vicious and dreadful man-flu."

I'm humble enough to learn from others, so now when I'm in need of medical help, I let my appearance match how I feel.

Instead of brushing my hair, I let it stand on end.

Instead of carefully applying my make-up, I slap it on. If I get blush on my chin or smear eyeliner across my cheek, all the better to emphasize my peaked condition.

Instead of dressing carefully, I pull leggings on under my sweat-soaked pajama top, put on mismatched socks, and attach a pair of Jay's slippers to my feet with duct tape.

When the nurse offers me a chair in the examination room, I instead crawl onto the table and sprawl there like a squashed bug, moaning. 

When the doctor arrives, I open one eye and croak. I don't have to tell him how badly I feel; one glimpse of me sends him hollering for oxygen and a defibrillator. 

Verse of the Day: (Luke 5:31) "Jesus answered them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.'"

Doctor? Is that you?

P.S. Robin photographs churches in the beautiful English countryside. You can find his unusual, stunning, and funny (like the gargoyle, made by an underpaid stonemason, who moons the village) photos by clicking here. My favorite photo is the wooden cross at Peakirk, probably made by a child for a pet. It always tugs at my heart.

12 comments:

  1. Pamela, You need to pull your hair up into some sort of frizzy mess that looks like you've been electrocuted...cut some onions first so your eyes will be red & puffy...but the rest of it looks pretty good! You appear to have caught the dreaded MAN-FLU from the man in your house!! (Make sure to pull out some articles of Jay's clothes from the hamper--or floor--so you stink as well.) Good job!!

    L-

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When this picture was taken, I hadn't showered in six days. So, other than the lipstick on my face and the eyeliner down my cheek, it was quite authentically "me" when I'm sick. And, yes, my shirt was on inside out. Didn't even know it until I saw the picture! Authenticity is what I give my loyal readers (who are happy that smell can't be captured in a photo).

      Delete
  2. You crack me up! I SO look forward to reading your weekly blog and I even enjoyed your "blogcation" because it was such a cute idea. Keep writing.

    A loyal reader who is, indeed, grateful that small can't be captured in a photo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the encouragement. You keep me Swimming Upstream! (Which is a cute and funny blog, by the way, for all those reading these comments.)

      Delete
  3. Glad you're feeling better! If I believed in "other lives" I'd think you'd been a stand up comic! Maybe you can be one when you grow up :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I grow up? I love your optimism! But I guess with God all things are possible, so it COULD happen.

      Delete
  4. Have just read this Pamela. Enjoyed it very much. However, just a brief reply for now as my throat is feeling a bit sore and I am just off to rest for a little bit!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Robin - HORRORS!!! You've caught the dreaded MAN-FLU!!!!!!

      Lora

      Delete
  5. I'll send chicken soup without delay!

    ReplyDelete
  6. When my husband had man-flu, the doctors called it mono! Some guys have all the luck.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It took the doctors a long time to diagnose me with mono because I "looked fine" when I had my doctor visits. Live and learn!

    ReplyDelete