Men Can't Tell Time

Jay tried to tell me that when a woman says, "I'll be ready in five minutes" that she really means a half an hour. I informed him that my time is estimated according to his leadership. He thought I was kidding until I reminded him of this conversation early in our marriage:

He: I'm going to Home Depot. I'll be back in half an hour.

Me (with faint skepticism): Did you just say a half an hour?

He (grabbing his keys): Yep.

Me (innocently): I'm new to the area, so I keep forgetting, how long does it take to get there?

He (a little distracted, looking for his wallet): About 20 minutes.

Me: And how long does it take to get home?

He (pausing to look at me as if I'm a little slow): Like I said, about 20 minutes.

Me (raising an eyebrow): OK, then by my math, the soonest you could possibly get back is 40 minutes.

He: Fine. I'll be back in 40 minutes.

Me (sounding a bit confused): So, you don't plan to get out of the car? I'm sure you have your reasons, but I don't understand why you'd go all that way just to gaze at the store as you drive past it through the parking lot on your way home.

He (rolling his eyes): Okay, okay. I'll be about 45 minutes.

Me: Well, that takes care of walking to and from the store. Weren't you planning to buy anything? Or are you just going poke your head in the door, wave at the salespeople, and sprint back to the car?

He: Fine. Add another 5 minutes for shopping.

Me: Oh, pah-leeze! I've been to Home Depot with you. You'll be in there at least 45 minutes.

He (offended): I'm just going in to get some 3" nails. That will take me 5 minutes tops.

Me (snickering): So, you're not going to stop at all to look at lawnmower attachments, power tools, culled wood, shop vacs, survival magazines, saw blades, sandpaper, handheld multi-tools...

He (reluctantly agreeing): Okay, I might get a little distracted if I see something on sale. Or if I get there and remember something else I need. Or if I see something I could use.

Me: No kidding. And have you added time to get through the checkout line? Unless you're planning to shoplift. Because if you are, let me know in advance so I can get some cash ready to pay your bail.

He: Funny.

Me: Why don't we just say that you're going to Home Depot and you'll be back in about two hours?

He (sheepishly): Maybe three. I think they have a new line of outdoor grills. 

Verse of the day: (Psalm 90:12) "Teach us to make the most of our time so that we may grow in wisdom."

For another "shoe on the other foot" story, click here.