Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Bald Peanuts

I've learned a lot after moving to the South. Mainly, that the people here have their own language, and it only slightly resembles English. Case in point:

Walking past a goober shack:
Southern Bubba (calling out): Hey, missy. Jew want sum bald pea-a-nuts?

Me (turning to Jay, whispering): Why does he think I'm Jewish?

Jay (absently): Jewish? What are you talking about?

Me: He said, 'Jew, want some bald peanuts?'

Jay: He meant, 'Do you want some bald peanuts.'

Me: Are the words 'do' and 'you' really too difficult to say?

Jay: That's how they talk down here. So, d'ya want to try some bald peanuts? They're kind of an acquired taste.

Me: Weird. I thought all peanuts were bald.

Jay: No, they come a lot of different ways.

Me (fascinated and a bit scared): All the peanuts I've ever eaten were bald, so I should probably be brave and try the hairy ones; just to say that I did. Can we buy them here?

Jay: Hairy what?

Me: Hairy peanuts.

Jay: What are you talking about?

Me: Hairy peanuts. Or unshaved peanuts. Or whatever they call non-bald peanuts.

Jay (smirking): They're boiled peanuts.

Me: They boil the hair off?

Jay: There is no hair.

Me: Well, then, I mean the peanut fuzz or the peanut fur.

Jay (snickering): There isn't any hair, fuzz, or fur on peanuts.

Me (exasperated): Well, whatever you call the stuff that's being boiled off of them so that they become bald peanuts.

Jay (laughing): There isn't anything to be boiled off. We're not saying bald; that's how they pronounce boiled down here. The guy asked if you wanted some boiled peanuts.

Me: No, he didn't. He said bald. (Turning to the man) Excuse me, sir? What kind of peanuts did you say you had?

Southerner: I got me sum bald pea-a-nuts here. Jew want sum?

Me (triumphantly to Jay): See!

Jay (almost on the ground from laughing so hard): Youhashodkha!

Me: Quit laughing, and make some sense.

Jay (still gasping): Hey, sir, you mind explaining to my wife how y'all fix the peanuts?

Southerner (taking five minutes to scratch his head and hitch up his pants): Wall, fist they need soaked. We soak them there pea-a-nuts in cold wattah fer 'bout an ar. Then we het up a pot of wattah 'til it be ba-eling. Then we throw salt an' a mess o' pea-a-nuts and ba-el it fer 'bout fer ars. That there's how we fix us sum bald pea-a-nuts.

Me: So, the peanuts aren't hairy or furry before they hit the boiling water?

Southerner (looking at Jay as if I'm drunk on moonshine): Ma'am? What chew talkin' 'bout?

Me (meekly): Never mind. I'll have some 'bald pea-a-nuts,' please.

Verse of the day:  (Job 2:10) “Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?" Well, I'll accept anything from the hand of God, but a boiled peanut (shaved or unshaved) from the hand of Jay is something I now know to strenuously avoid. Acquired taste? Yeah, no, I don't see why anyone would want to acquire it.

To read why Southerners move at a much slower pace than the rest of the world, click here.