She Came, She Saw (Almost)--Post from Jay

Today is Wife Appreciation Day, and I would like to state for the record that I truly love and appreciate my wonderful wife.


I will also add that she's given me gray hair before my time.

The other day, Pamela called the Fire Station. One of my firefighters answered the phone. She said, "Do not repeat my question out loud, especially if Jay is around. Just answer 'yes' or 'no.' Can you tell me how to turn on a table saw?" 

Verse of the day: (Proverbs 4:15a) "Don’t even think about it..." 

It's actually a chop saw. And God bless the man who invented the chop saw safety latch. 



Note from Pamela: I would like to state for the record how appalled I am that our local firefighters are flatly unwilling to answer a simple question. Appalled, I tell you.

For more contributions from Jay about Pamela, check out Panic-Inducing Pamela. For stories about Jay, check out Finders Seekers, Delectable Disagreement, Land(fill) of the Free, Preplanned Packing, and She Said, He Heard.  

Shoe Drills

This conversation (based on a true story) is between two people whom we shall call "Pamelina" and "Jayson" (to protect the guilty) while they empty their master bedroom closet in preparation for new bedroom flooring.

Jayson (putting shoes in bags): Here's another pair of black boots. Did you know you have this many pairs of black boots?

Pamelina (puzzled): Of course. I bought them, didn't I?

Jayson: Let me rephrase that. Why did you buy so many pairs of black boots?

Pamelina (even more puzzled): To wear them. Why else?

Jayson: You have two feet, so why do you need more than one pair of black boots?

Pamelina (patiently): I need different boots for different occasions. I wear the medium-heeled, suede boots with casual outfits and the leather, stiletto boots with nicer outfits. I wear patent leather boots when it's raining, and the slouchy boots-- 

Jayson (shaking his head): That's just the boots! I have a pair of black shoes, brown shoes, athletic shoes, sandals, and work boots. Why do you need more than five pairs of shoes?

Pamelina (fondly reminiscing): I guess they've accumulated over the years. I bought most of them on sale. These silver sandals were originally $385 marked down to $25! These jute wedges were free during a buy-one-get-one-free sale. These red pumps were--

Jayson (persistently): I'm sure you got great deals, but I still don't see why you need to keep all these shoes!

Pamelina: Honey, we have a lot to do, so can I justify my footwear later? If you get a drill, we have time to fix this shoe rack before the flooring guy gets here.

Jayson (long-suffering sigh): Fine, Imelda Marcos. We'll talk about your 85 (or is it 185?) pairs of shoes later. I'll get the drill.

Pamelina (muttering as they walk to the shed): If I'm going to be accused of owning 85 pairs of shoes, then I should at least have 85 pairs of shoes.

Jayson (ignoring her comment and scanning his workbench): Where is that drill?

Pamelina (idly): Here's the drill.

Jayson: That's the cordless rechargeable drill. That's not what I want.

Pamelina (holding up another drill): Is this it?

Jayson (rummaging through a cabinet): No, that's my old battery drill. I keep it as back-up for my newer battery drill. I'm looking for an electric drill.

Pamelina: Here's an electric drill.

Jayson: That's an impact driver drill. I want the regular electric drill. Now, where did I leave it?

Pamelina narrows her eyes for a moment as an illuminating thought assails her brain. Jayson doesn't notice.

Pamelina (brightly): My, you have a lot of hammers! What's this?

Jayson (shifting some lumber): That's a sledge hammer.

Pamelina (feigning ignorance): What about this itty-bitty one?

Jayson (briefly looking up): That? That's a ball-peen hammer. Here's the drill I want!

Pamelina (pointedly): And so many in-between sized hammers!

Jayson (sifting through a box of screws): Yeah. I've had some of them for years. That one used to be my dad's. I should get the grip on the handle replaced.

Pamelina (casually): Why do you need more than one hammer?

Jayson (still distracted): Each size has a different purpose. Hey, could you hand me that level?

Pamelina doesn't move. Surprised, Jayson glances at her. She folds her arms and raises her eyebrows. He mentally backtracks.

Jayson: Oh.

Pamelina (brightly): My, you have a lot of saws! 

Jayson (sheepishly): Okay, okay.

Pamelina (no longer feigning ignorance): Let's see, you have a table saw, a hack saw, a circular saw, a jigsaw-- 

Jayson (hoping in vain to duck out of the conversation quickly): Point taken. Let's see! Now, I need that level and a pencil--

Pamelina (innocently): I just don't understand why you need so many tools when the pioneers typically only had a knife, an ax, a hammer, and a handsaw.

Jayson (with a grin, drops a quick kiss on her forehead, hoping to shut her up): Yeah, yeah.

Pamelina (undeterred, she muses): With nothing but hand-powered tools, they cut down trees, made boards out of the wood, whittled pegs to use instead of nails, raised houses and barns, fashioned furniture--

Jayson (laughing): Truce! I won't count your shoes if you don't count my tools. Agreed?

Pamelina (with smile that's maybe a wee bit smug): Agreed.

Verse of the day: (Proverbs 19:14b) "only the Lord can give an understanding wife" or an understanding husband. It cuts (saws, and drills) both ways.

Finders Seekers

I adore my husband Jay. He's brave and strong. He works hard as a Captain of the Fire Department. He's loving and generous. He's kind to animals, children, and the elderly. But, like us all, the man does have limitations... 

In honor of Husband Appreciation Day, following is an edited version of an email correspondence from a few years ago between my sister, cousin (named changed), and me. True story.  
 
(To those who don't know Jay and are concerned about his sensitivity: he laughed and told me to post it. He knows he's not the only man who checks out when it comes to girl stuff.)   
________________________  

Hi Vicky and Lora,

I’m recovering from yesterday. A strap on my highest heels broke as I stepped off the porch, and I bounced down the front steps. I can’t walk or use crutches since I hurt both legs.   

Today Jay made me go to the doctor for x-rays. There's a sprain in one foot and a hairline fracture in the other shin. I fought going to the doctor's because it’s so hard to get ready without the use of my legs. Jay tries to be helpful, but he’s too impatient with "girl stuff" to be much help. When I try to get up, he scolds me with, “Don’t get up! Just tell me what you need, and I’ll bring it to you.” He's sweet, but here's how it went:

"Jay, honey, my eyeliner isn't in my make-up bag; can you look in the middle drawer of the vanity cabinet for it? No, that's the middle drawer on the side--I meant the middle drawer of the whole cabinet. No, sweetie, not the other side, the long flat drawer in the middle. The pencil drawer. No, I don’t keep pencils in it; it’s just called a pencil drawer. The drawer directly above the chair. That's right. Now, I need the black eyeliner pencil. It's in there among the other make-up, but it should be right up front since I use it all the time. Just look. No, honey, that's lip liner, I need eyeliner. It looks kind of like that, but it's black on the outside. That's brown. That's green. That's lipstick. Honey, the entire thing is black. It looks like a #2 pencil that is completely black on the outside instead of yellow. No, that's a tube of lip-gloss, and it's pink. I said black. Are you even trying? Yes, it's there. I know it's there. I'm positive it's there. Can I crawl over there without you getting mad? Because I can find it easier than you can. Yes, I know you're perfectly capable of finding it, but I know what I'm looking for so it will be easier for me. (Pause, as he continues to dig through the drawer contents.) Honey, I really need to get ready. No, that's lip liner again. Red lip liner. Seriously, I'm coming over there. Oh, now you found it. (Cleansing sigh) Thank you for your help, honey…"

He was the same way with my clothes. "Jay, could you please get me the turquoise top with elbow length sleeves hanging on the left side of the closet? No, that's dark forest green. Turquoise is a bright aqua blue. No, that's navy blue. With red stripes. I want a solid turquoise top. No, that’s lime green. No, that's purple. With spaghetti straps. I said turquoise with sleeves. Yes, all my tops are right there. I know it’s there. That's the only place it could be. Relax--I'm not getting up; I’m just leaning over to look. Jay! I can see it from here! It’s right by your hand. That's pink. Next to the pink. Thanks for saying you're not trying to be difficult, but, honestly, you're not trying to be helpful when you pull out a pink top and I asked for turquoise. Yes, that's it! You found it!" (It was such an exciting moment!) "Thank you for bringing my turquoise top. I agree; it was pretty hard to miss..." yet somehow he did.   

Oh, how I want my legs back. Next time I'll go with whichever top he grabs. No, wait, then he'd have to find the bottoms to match! Either way I'm toast. 

Love you both,

Pamela

Turquoise top? Must be in the other closet.

-------------------------------------- 

(Email response from my cousin)

Pamela,

  

You crack me up! That sounds EXACTLY like trying to get Charlie to bring me something. They do NOT want to find it so they can prove to you that next time you should just get it yourself. He always asks me to find something for him that’s practically glued to his nose! I come over and say, “It is right here, in front of you!” That is scary funny! Next time have Jay bring the whole drawer to you. Then you can find it. You have to think in terms of large items, not small. Here are some examples:

  

Honey, I want a drink. Can you bring me the fridge, please?

  

Honey, there is something I need in the car, so can you drive it in, pretty please?

  

I am expecting an important letter. Can you dig up the mailbox and bring it to me?

  

I need something from the dresser upstairs. Can you carry the dresser down to me, please?

  

You get the idea.

Vicky

  

------------------------------------------ 

(Email response from my sister) 

  

Pamela--Yeah, I agree with Vicky--make Jay bring you the whole drawer or whole dresser. That… or phrase things in firefighter language… something like… “A massive fire was lit by the black eyeliner pencil in the middle drawer. Please extract the object for evidence.” 

     

Love,

Lora

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Hi Girls,

Hee hee! You two are too funny. Of course, he could get around those suggestions, too. It would probably go like this:

Me:  Honey, forget trying to find my black eyeliner. Just bring me the whole cabinet.
He:  Which cabinet?
Me:  The one right there in the vanity area.
He:  Which room is the vanity area in?
Me:  This one. The vanity area connects our bedroom with our bathroom. Right where you’re standing.

He:  Oh. I never heard you call it the vanity area before. 

Me:  Doesn’t matter. Just bring the cabinet.

He:  Which cabinet do you want?

Me:  The one you were just rummaging through. 
He:  I'm just saying, there's also a medicine cabinet on the wall.
Me:  The base cabinet, honey, the one with the drawers in it.
He:  I don't see it.
Me:  What do you mean you don't see it? It's right there!
He:  You mean this?
Me:  Yes!
He:  Well, I didn't know what cabinet you meant since this cabinet has a door on one side, too, not just drawers.
Me:  My mistake. Yes, that's the cabinet I want, with the drawers and a door. Please bring it.
He:  Do you want the baseboard, too?
Me:  Sure. Whatever. 
He:  I'm just saying, the baseboard is attached to the cabinet.
Me:  OK, bring the baseboard, too.
He:  I could take the baseboard off, but it would take longer.
Me:  No, no. Just bring it along. (Long pause) Now what are you waiting for?
He:  I'm trying to figure out how to get the cabinet out from under the counter top.
Me:  Then bring the counter top, too!
He:  I'm just saying, you only asked for the cabinet, and when you buy a cabinet at Home Depot, it comes without the counter top.
Me:  Bring the whole thing. (Pause) Now what?
He:  I painted the cabinet the same time as the wall.
Me:  So?
He:  I painted the cabinet the same time I painted the wall.
Me:  So?
He:  I primed them both at the same time.
Me:  So?
He:  Well, some paint might come off the wall since the primer might be connected underneath the paint.
Me:  So?
He:  Well, I'm just saying, you didn't ask for the cabinet with some of the wall primer attached.
Me:  I don't care.
He:  I could get a scraper to separate the primer.
Me:  Forget it. I don't care if there is primer attached.
He:  But I'm not sure where the scraper is.
Me:  It doesn't matter where the scraper is because I want you to bring the cabinet to me with the counter top and all the wall paint and primer attached, if need be.
He:  Do you still want the baseboard?
Me:  Aaaugh! I changed my mind. Forget bringing the cabinet and anything attached to it. “A massive fire was lit by the black eyeliner pencil that's in the top drawer on the left side of the vanity cabinet.  Please extract the evidence.”
He:  Where was the fire?
Me:  An old warehouse somewhere.
He:  How do they know it was lit by the black eyeliner pencil?
Me:  Anonymous tip or something. All you need to know is that the Chief wants you to bring him the black eyeliner pencil.
He:  I'm just saying, it's a strange way to light a fire.
Me:  Forget it! I'll get the eyeliner myself.
He:  Sweetie, don't get up! Just tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you.

Love you both,

Pamela

Verse of the day:  (Jeremiah 29:13) “When you seek Me, you will find Me if you seek me with all your heart." Your heart has to be involved in the seeking to be successful in the finding.

To read why I've finally concluded that we're actually filming a sitcom, click here for "She Said, He Heard."